So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
