So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
