my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
