a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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