I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
