I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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