is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize