i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
