My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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