never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize