I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
