Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
