Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
