So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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