you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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