I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
