you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
