Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
