I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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