I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize