Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
