this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
