Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
