Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize