I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
