i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
