Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
