Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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