so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
