I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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