At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My penis needs a shock collar
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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