OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
