when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
