weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
