I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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