it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Pooping to opera.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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