Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
