well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
