And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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