im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You need a sexual gate keeper
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
