kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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