In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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