I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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