so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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