Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
