Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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