he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
