so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
