Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
