Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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