Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
