I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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