come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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