1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
