I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Girls should come with a carfax report
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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