Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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