Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
