In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
