Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
