but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
