ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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