we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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