Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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