I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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